let's face facts

I'll have the extra fruity, light-textured, mild-smelling, nutritious and delicious shampoo to go...with cheese. Everyday I have a mission. That mission is to clean my hair. It's one of several missions like brushing my teeth, feeding the cat, and watching America's Got Talent. So imagine my surprise, when I took a shower the other day and didn't see my trusty bottle of shampoo. (In case you're wondering...David Hasselhoff was also not in the shower). I stopped for a moment, and was visibly scared. My girlfriend has bought the shampoo previously, and she wasn't home. I had to take matters in my own hands.

First I went to work with wet, but really unclean hair knowing that eventually I would be stopping at the local A&P to pick up new shampoo. I watched the clock all day looking forward to the moment that I could once again clean my hair. Before I knew it, the time had come and I was at the store.

But lo and behold, it wouldn't be that easy. I found the shampoo aisle thanks to the flower lady who wears excessive makeup. But little did I know that there would literally be aisles of shampoo. The first thing I did was what any normal guy would do...look for Pert Plus. It has shampoo and conditioner, and the commercials told me I need conditioner. I'm not really sure what conditioner does, and why shampoo normally lacks it, but the Pert people are ahead of the curve. But to my dismay something happened since the last time I was buying shampoo. The Pert product lines have expanded into several hundred categories...literally several hundred. I began to sweat and may have pissed myself. In fact, all shampoo brands now have billions of varieties.

How am I going to do this? Do I have oily hair? damaged hair? color treated hair? I think my hair is black...so can I use the shampoo for lighter hair colors? Do I have wet hair? I mean, it occasionally gets wet in the rain. I think I mostly have dry hair. But if I buy the dry hair shampoo, will my hair turn to shit when it gets wet?

Then there's the flavors. Cherries, and apples, and cream, and bananas. Am I supposed to eat this? One thing for sure, I'm not buying that Suave crap, no sir. I never buy the cheapest items, I buy the next to cheapest items. And because Suave comes in so many flavors, I decided I better stay away from the flavored shampoos.

I decided to take a step back and watch other people choose their shampoos. Women came by and without thinking threw shampoos in their basket. A couple douchey metrosexual men did the same. One guy checked every price, and then picked the cheapest one (cch-ching Suave!)So this was no help. After a whole 9 minutes of pain, I decided to let A&P help me out. They had a giant sign for Garnier Fructis. Now I'm not sure what a "Fructis" is, but it sounds like fruit which is healthy for you. There was one type of Garnier Fructis for "normal hair". Hallelujah, I found it. Normal hair! That's me. I quickly bought the shampoo, drove home and rolled around in Fructis goodness.Let's face facts, in a world with too many shampoos, Garnier Fructis saved my life and can save yours.