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Happy New Year

Mon, 02 Jan 2012 14:07:45 GMT

Happy New Year

The Bathroom

Sun, 06 Mar 2011 18:35:32 GMT

The bathroom is the only room in your house that doesn't have a clock. Think about it. It's the one place where time stands still. I can go in there and all I hear is the fan. No one to bother me. Some of my greatest thoughts transpire on the toilet or in the shower. And that lock is on the door to keep everyone out. What's that...the phone is ringing? Oh well, I can't get it cause I'm in the bathroom. Gas prices going up? Oh well, can't bother me in the bathroom. The bank is at the door looking for the mortgage payment? Sorry, I'm taking care of business in the bathroom. Real business. Let's face facts, the bathroom is the best room in the house.

X-Games

Sat, 29 Jan 2011 23:20:15 GMT

I wondered what dudes who shred snow in the winter X-games get paid for their knarly activities. I thought they would get paid mucho dinero from their cutting edge sponsors. But I'm pretty sure they just get paid in totally tubular cases of Monster energy drinks supplemented with Mountain Dew. Peace out bro...let's face facts.

Now that he's dead, he was great.

Fri, 21 Jan 2011 22:03:00 GMT

I feel bad when people die. It's not something that anyone wants to think about. But yet the news loves talking about it, and we hear about murders, suicides, and just plain old death everyday. What's common in all of these situations? Well, the death will be followed by some shithead acquaintance of the deceased who claims that the dead man was the most beautiful person in the history of the universe. Then they find the one good thing the person did in their life and broadcast it over and over again. For some of the real fuckups, it's usually something lame like "He liked to laugh on sunny days." Bullshit.

You never hear someone talk about the dead and say, 'Well honestly, he was kind of a schmuck." Or, "Oh that guy, yeah what a prick." Nope, for some reason we lose all sense of honesty when people die. Why is this? Now don't get me wrong some people are good, and they deserve praise in their eulogies. But others really don't. I mean if Hitler died today, someone would be out there saying, "Well he had a rough childhood, but really he meant well. And he had a penchant for helping poor white children with blonde hair and blue eyes." Let's face facts, it's time we start being honest about people, even after they are dead.

Happy New Year!

Tue, 04 Jan 2011 21:27:51 GMT

Happy New Year!

America's Got a Little Talent

Tue, 06 Jul 2010 22:04:19 GMT

I'm watching America's Got Talent. And let's face facts, America clearly has no talent. It's been outsourced to China.

GOOOOOALLLL

Sun, 27 Jun 2010 18:03:04 GMT

Goal?After years and years of soccer fanatics saying that soccer will become popular in the USA, it seems this year might in fact be the year. Why? Because the USA team in the World Cup does not completely suck. Americans have a hard time rooting for teams that continuously lose. There are notable exceptions...the Cubs, the Red Sox (pre 2004). With those teams, their suckiness actually became a novelty. I wish I could be horrible at my job and still have support. However for the most part, we have a difficult time rooting for mediocrity. Ask the 3 Pittsburgh Pirates fans that still show up to the games.

So this is the year soccer is considered a sport in this country. Until we completely suck again. Let's face facts, soccer will lose its popularity soon and only be viewed on Telemundo.

Please click on the Google Ads on This Page

Mon, 03 May 2010 21:00:47 GMT

I need the money Tell your friends to visit this page and lick on whatever Google Ad appears above this blog. I inserted the ads a while back and can't wait to collect my big bucks. Maybe I'll take a vacation to South Westchester County with my earnings. I might be able to afford a foot long at Nathans. Or maybe visit Yankee Stadium and hang out in the parking log (cause I won't make enough to get in). Or maybe I'll just go down the block, order a taco for a dollar, walk back and spend an evening in the bathroom on the toilet. Now that's priceless.

Ear Infections

Wed, 28 Apr 2010 21:07:44 GMT

I just noticed my Google ad had to something to do with ear infections. I get these things a lot. I'm not sure why. Isn't that shit little kids get. I clean my ears thoroughly, but still they always feel wet. What the hell did I do to deserve this?

Sometimes I think it's God's way of saying, 'You're really not that great." Everything is going well in your life, and then God steps in and says 'not so fast hot shot'. Time for an annoying ear infection for you.

Last time I had an ear infection, I bought a bulb irrigation thing from my useless, and nearby Rite Aid. Let me say, those stores are completely useless. Anyway, I bought this thing, came home and pumped it into my ear. It didn't work and I think I further irritated my ear. Thanks, Rite Aid.

Then I went to a doctor where I overpaid for not 1, not 2 but 3 visits. Apparently I had the worst ear infection known to man in my right ear. I'm going to stop now, because I'm getting very angry and I had an otherwise decent day. Let's face facts, I need to contain my anger sometimes.

Enviro-super hero

Thu, 22 Apr 2010 21:41:57 GMT

I was told I need to enroll in the company's environment plan. What does that mean? It means I get to pledge that I'll shut my computer off everyday, and shut my monitor off every night, and shut the lights off when I leave the room. I get to save the company like $30 for the year. I'm excited.

I mean after all, why shouldn't I be? Between slashing my benefits and bonus, this extra $30 is the icing on the cake. When I go to sleep at night, I feel good knowing that I contributed to my company saving more money that will be shipped off to the CEO. You know it's getting bad at your company when they require you to 'sign up' and pretend to give a shit about initiatives like this.

I got another environment clean-up idea. How about cutting down ridiculous executive salaries and donating that money to environmental charities? How about reducing stress on overworked employees so they can go home a decent hour and not consume energy at the office? How about finding another way to advertise your environmental initiatives other than big, paper documents? Let's face facts, company environment-saving plans are bullshit.

Ikea is a synonym for hell

Sun, 11 Apr 2010 21:36:58 GMT

Only 85 easy steps for assembling your furniture Remember when you were little and enjoyed building with blocks. And do you remember when you became an adult and had shit to do during your day. Suddenly building things really didn't seem appealing anymore.

Enter Ikea, Walmart and every other cheap, build-it-yourself store. Don't get me wrong, I like cheap furniture. But when you know that your purchase will require hours of your time for assembly, it kind of kills the allure of cheapness. Plus, when you're done, you'll still have a crappy piece of furniture. I mean, who doesn't like that crappy, 'wood-like' finish and those plastic bolts that look like the same things you played with when you were a kid.

Oh and if you hate the product and want to return it, good luck hauling that crap back to the store. Let's face facts, if you have to' put it together', it's not furniture...it's a toy.

Winter Olympics, Say What?

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 21:26:49 GMT

Let's watch some figure skaters crash! I'm not saying that the Olympians liked messing up this year, but they did enjoy crashing. I found that between skiing, skating, and sledding, there were tons of crashes. And why not...the Olympics need ratings. People like watching other people fall. It's sad but true. Imagine training for years, crashing down the slopes, and then having to wait 4 years for redemption. It's a hoot to viewers like us.

Here's a quick recap of everything besides the falls:

Canada won the hockey tournament. I feel if this is a just world, the Canadians should win. Don't get me wrong, I'm American. But c'mon, we can't be good at everthing. Canada's life is hockey and they should always win. In fact, every year there should only be two teams allowed to play...Canada vs. Russia. But that's because I believe Russians spawn genetic freaks like the Russian guy from Rocky.

The rotund Americans won bobsledding. News flash, I also beat my brothers sledding down a large hill this year. Someone give me a medal.

Some more skaters fell

The stupid American skier girl who lost while showing off years ago, crapped out again.

Canadians can't get an opening ceremony to work correctly

The American dude with red hair won every snowboarding event known to man and then shit on the rest of the competition.

That is all. Let's face facts, this was a great summary of the Olympics.

Washington loves Fords

Tue, 16 Feb 2010 21:34:56 GMT

Some holidays do not deserve promotional sales.Friends, I know businesses have to make sales in order to survive. And traditionally, companies have scheduled promotions around holidays. Well, some holidays do not deserve to be associated with sales.

Take President's Day. Why does every auto commercial at this time of year need to promote a President's Day sale? When I think of Presidents, I usually think of government and the traditional values of greed, lies, and partisanship. I don't think of automobiles. For that matter I don't think of department stores, home repair shops, or supermarkets either. On President's Day, I usually just think of sitting home and doing nothing. I think that's what George Washington would want me to do on this holiday. I think Lincoln would want me to do that too, that is, if he was alive and didn't get shot. George W Bush would want me to do that, because his entire career was basically sitting around. And Obama would want me to relax on my day off because it is a change from my normal work week. And that's change I can believe in.

You know what I can't believe in? That a Ford Focus really will make my life better and not shit out within a year of purchase. Let's face facts, some holidays do not deserve promotions.

Pop Culture

Tue, 09 Feb 2010 21:31:05 GMT

I hate it I don't know why, I just hate it. Now don't get me wrong, I don't hate the first guy that found that song that now is a top 100 hit, or that guy who created the latest dance craze. I hate everyone else who follows the trend-setter. The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell explains the trendsetters. I forgot what he called that group, but they are the ones that create pop culture.

Then there are the other people. The people who are just now using Snoop Dogg terminology at work. The people who are really into that annoying Vanessa Carlton song. The people who go to Chipotle. These people don't have a creative thought in their head. They work at their office jobs and go wild on 'Thirsty Thursdays'. Imagine if these people gave creative thought a chance. If they said, 'Even though some people like that song, I think it sucks and like this rare one better.'

Now excuse me while I go watch the Jersey Shore. Let's face facts, pop culture is horrible.

I'm an idiot and I'm on TV

Thu, 04 Feb 2010 21:44:58 GMT

'I was watching the hit MTV show "Jersey Shore". What kind of asshole am I to be watching a show about assholes? I think I need to do some soul searching. Do I like watching people make Italians look like a bunch of greasy, fake buffoons? Or is it that crazy little "Snooki"? Maybe it's just that I've given up on life. I'll let you know after I'm done crying. Let's face facts, I'm an asshole for watching Jersey Shore

Change we can believe in

Wed, 27 Jan 2010 22:18:13 GMT

Let's face facts, I can't believe in this.

Your News Flash is not a News Flash

Sun, 24 Jan 2010 20:45:50 GMT

I can watch the news idiot. There's nothing worse than logging on to Facebook, Twitter or one of the millions of other social networking (I have nothing else to do with my life) sites and seeing 'status updates' or 'posts' from friends that reflect events that just happened.

Example:

real life = the Jets just lost a big game

Facebook life = over 20 friends posting things like 'Man, this sucks..Jets lost" or "Jets lose, can't believe it" or "We'll get them next year...". First of all, WHO is going to get them next year? Maybe the Jets will, but you surely won't...

Then there's the comments back from other loser friends..."Don't worry, we'll be back" or "At least we put up a good fight". What are these people talking about? Why do they need to post this and pollute my homepage? Can't they call each other and fantasize that they are members of the Jets team and 'will be back next year'?

I understand the whole thing about people posting things on social networking sites that they deem 'interesting'. But when they become second-rate newscasters to report stories, I get mad and vomit in my mouth a little. Let's face facts, your news-related comment on Facebook is not really a news flash.

This country just can't win

Wed, 13 Jan 2010 20:11:31 GMT

This is ridiculous. Haiti continues to be one of the poorest countries in the world. Yet it is hit with a monumental earthquake. How does this happen? It's like a kid I went to school with who always tried so hard, yet only ended up with a C average. It's like Wile E Coyote getting so close to the Road Runner and then falling off a cliff. Or ALF never getting that cat. Or Wyclef creating some listenable music. There should be some kind of Committee of the Planet Earth (and no I don't mean the United Nations...no one listens to them anyway). Haiti should be able to appeal for getting screwed hard repeatedly. They should be entitled to a tax refund or something. Shit, maybe they can all get ice cream cone vouchers. I don't know. Let's face facts, Haiti deserves more than Wolf Blitzer's face over a satellite feed talking about how bad it is and how much he would never want to be there.

I'm getting back into twitter and i'm concerned

Mon, 11 Jan 2010 21:42:00 GMT

Tweet me Why am I doing this? I'm wasting my time writing a sub-par witty line so other people can read it. It's not really helping anyone and no one really cares. Yet for some reason I am starting to tweet again. Someone please help me. Let's face facts, there is nothing funny about this post or Twitter

Fireplaces

Thu, 07 Jan 2010 21:10:49 GMT

I got one, that's great. I don't know what else to do with it. It burns stuff. Sometimes I have fun and get old bills and throw them from across the room into the burning flames. It makes me feel like I have power for 3 seconds of my day. But let's face it, the fires really don't last long.

There is little heat that comes from these things too. I mean in 1850 fireplaces were a necessity. It's how you kept warm. Today they are used at douchey cocktail parties and as a 'show off' part of the house. Your friends that you're not really friendly with likely showed you their fireplace when you first visited them. They proudly showed it off like it was the greatest thing in the world. Sadly they are lame and so are fireplaces. Although I like the yule log. Let's face facts, fireplaces were great before Wyoming became a state.

Ear Infections

Wed, 06 Jan 2010 20:56:58 GMT

What's that, I can't hear you. So I've had this ear infection for a while..and there's not much I can do about it. It's annoying and I can't hear anyone. But then again, do I really want to hear anyone? Throughout the day, there are probably 3 people max that I really want to listen to...although I do miss hearing the TV.

What's really cool is that I only have the infection in one ear so I can turn to one side if I want to hear you, and then turn to the other if I don't.

What's not cool is massive copays. You see my insurance is like Monopoly money. I might as well take out 'baltic ave' or that little top hat playing piece instead of my insurance card when i visit the doctor. After paying a massive copay and then paying for medicine, I'm invited back by the doctor the following week. I'm invited back only to hear that it's still not healed and I'll have to come back again next week too. At this point I feel like I'm slowly being robbed and I question whether my doctor is actually a doctor, but I mean my hearing is important. I need to hear things I think.

My hearing is now coming back, so I guess it's worth one week of pay to the doctor. The only thought I'm left with is...do adults even get ear infections? Isn't that something newborns get? What's wrong with me.Let's face facts, I have an ear infection and now I'm broke

I need to update this more often

Sun, 03 Jan 2010 23:02:10 GMT

Let's face facts, in this new year, I need to make a new commitment to facing facts. No more excuses, no more bullshit.

The Government Thinks We Are Idiots

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 22:04:29 GMT

The New York Times reports that Darpa, the Pentagon's research division, is conducting a 'contest' in which the winner gets $40,000. All you have to do is find the location of 10 red balloons scattered about the country.

Now I know you're thinking...'surely you must be making this up?" "No intelligent government agency would think its people are a bunch of morons?" Well you're wrong.

Instead of putting that $40,000 toward the national deficit, the government would rather make us look like a bunch of shitheads. Hey, guess what...I just inflated 10 red balloons. They're sticking out of my ass. Quick, get the government to take a picture. I'm rich. Let's face facts, the government thinks you are a greedy fool.

Kings of Vowels

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 21:56:44 GMT

Kings of Leon love putting extra stress on the "a, e, i, o, u's and sometimes y's" of their songs. Just listen and tell me it's not annoying. I thought I liked this band, but now I just cringe with every held note. Let's face facts, Kings of Leon love vowels.

The Biggest Loser is Making Me Hungry

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 21:09:08 GMT

Pass the ice cream, I'm going to cry There's something about larger people trying to lose weight that brings a tear to my eye. And also makes me hungry. As I sit here, I'm thinking about ice cream...specifically chocolate chip cookie dough. I mean, these people on TV can't eat it. That saves more for me. I'll enjoy several scoops while they're running on a treadmill and crying about their past lives.

And let's face it, these people are not upset about their past. They're upset that they can't eat my ice cream. If anything, I feel more powerful as I eat and watch this show. Here I am, safe in my home. And those hungry people on TV can't eat my food. They can't break through the glass screen and devour everything in my kitchen. So, I'll continue to eat this ice cream Biggest Loserers, as long as you continue to run on that treadmill and cry. Let's face facts, if you're on the Biggest Loser show, you can't eat my ice cream.

Local News Sucks

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 21:11:51 GMT

Wild party at town square tonight...BE THEREI was watching the "local" local news tonight and I have to say it's horrendous. In an attempt to only report local news, I found out that there are several primaries going on that only involve 1 candidate. (Is that really a primary?) I also learned that there are people in my town that pave roads. Well, that's good..because I thought angels come down from heaven twice a year and line the roads with tar. Then for the 'dramatic' news, I learned that local buses might not be safe for kids. Now there was no evidence to prove this. The reporter interviewed a local mom who said the bus 'sounded kind of funny'. I don't know about you, but that's all the evidence I need.

And then finally there was a short report about the President's health care plan. Let's face facts, your 'local' local news probably sucks.

America's Got Problems

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 21:27:59 GMT

I'm watching "America's Got Talent", and I must say that America does not really have any talent. I'm sorry, but Let's Face Facts, if this is the best we have...we're in trouble.

Finding the Right Shampoo

Sun, 23 Aug 2009 19:27:18 GMT

I'll have the extra fruity, light-textured, mild-smelling, nutritious and delicious shampoo to go...with cheese. Everyday I have a mission. That mission is to clean my hair. It's one of several missions like brushing my teeth, feeding the cat, and watching America's Got Talent. So imagine my surprise, when I took a shower the other day and didn't see my trusty bottle of shampoo. (In case you're wondering...David Hasselhoff was also not in the shower). I stopped for a moment, and was visibly scared. My girlfriend has bought the shampoo previously, and she wasn't home. I had to take matters in my own hands.

First I went to work with wet, but really unclean hair knowing that eventually I would be stopping at the local A&P to pick up new shampoo. I watched the clock all day looking forward to the moment that I could once again clean my hair. Before I knew it, the time had come and I was at the store.

But lo and behold, it wouldn't be that easy. I found the shampoo aisle thanks to the flower lady who wears excessive makeup. But little did I know that there would literally be aisles of shampoo. The first thing I did was what any normal guy would do...look for Pert Plus. It has shampoo and conditioner, and the commercials told me I need conditioner. I'm not really sure what conditioner does, and why shampoo normally lacks it, but the Pert people are ahead of the curve. But to my dismay something happened since the last time I was buying shampoo. The Pert product lines have expanded into several hundred categories...literally several hundred. I began to sweat and may have pissed myself. In fact, all shampoo brands now have billions of varieties.

How am I going to do this? Do I have oily hair? damaged hair? color treated hair? I think my hair is black...so can I use the shampoo for lighter hair colors? Do I have wet hair? I mean, it occasionally gets wet in the rain. I think I mostly have dry hair. But if I buy the dry hair shampoo, will my hair turn to shit when it gets wet?

Then there's the flavors. Cherries, and apples, and cream, and bananas. Am I supposed to eat this? One thing for sure, I'm not buying that Suave crap, no sir. I never buy the cheapest items, I buy the next to cheapest items. And because Suave comes in so many flavors, I decided I better stay away from the flavored shampoos.

I decided to take a step back and watch other people choose their shampoos. Women came by and without thinking threw shampoos in their basket. A couple douchey metrosexual men did the same. One guy checked every price, and then picked the cheapest one (cch-ching Suave!)So this was no help. After a whole 9 minutes of pain, I decided to let A&P help me out. They had a giant sign for Garnier Fructis. Now I'm not sure what a "Fructis" is, but it sounds like fruit which is healthy for you. There was one type of Garnier Fructis for "normal hair". Hallelujah, I found it. Normal hair! That's me. I quickly bought the shampoo, drove home and rolled around in Fructis goodness.Let's face facts, in a world with too many shampoos, Garnier Fructis saved my life and can save yours.

My air conditioner

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 20:30:20 GMT

I like it when you blow hot air on me. Right now, I'm sitting on my bed and boy is it hot outside. My apartment is about the size of a shoebox so I figured an air conditioner could easily cool the place down in hours. Ask anyone you know if they think it would take a long time to cool down a shoebox with a full-size air conditioner. Well, it's been several hours and I barely feel a difference. I'm not sure if it is because this thing is environmentally-friendly, aka blows no cool air but saves a plot of grass. All I know is I'm hot. And let's face facts, I don't want to be hot.

NY Subways are the Filthiest in the World

Sun, 02 Aug 2009 21:43:40 GMT

I think that homeless guy in the corner of the train car is dead. Friends, first of all I don't want to act like I'm an experienced world traveller. But I have seen the subway systems in Chicago and Washington DC and think that's enough support for the following statement...NY has the world's filthiest subway system.

Think about the last time you took a ride in the filthy express underground in NY. Chances are everyone in the car with you was clutching their purses/wallets as if they know the money-carrying items will soon be disappearing. As you looked around the car, you see a variety of people who look like they just lost everything at a poker table. In the corner is homeless Larry who just peed on himself post-mortem. Don't worry, that piss stream will be coming your way on the next turn.

But oh wait...here come the singing Jesus quartet from the local church (at least that's what they say). Oh, and what's this...they're asking for money in an old McDonald's bag. Half the car gives them money so they go away. Half of the car pretends they don't exist.

Oops, there's an armpit in my face from Smelly McBig Smell. And oops my hand accidentally slapped Mr. Important Blackberry who is asking his all-powerful phone if it's ok to see his family again.

Finally, here's my stop. I get out to the wonderful smell of more piss. Fresher piss. There goes a rat scurrying by, they sure are cute. Some young men are banging on pots and want me to make a donation so they can continue making more noise everytime I stop by in the future. As I make my way to the light of outside, another Mr. Important Blackberry runs into me...his phone told him to do it because he has to make this next train to satisfy his boss and the Microsoft Outlook calendar schedule gods. Finally I make it to the outside.

Now I realize that other subway systems are not perfect. But let's face facts, the NY subway system is the equivalent of rolling around in a septic tank.

The Future

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 21:30:56 GMT

Hold on, I've heard this one alreadyToday, a fellow employee came over to my desk and started to talk about several topics. Now, I know what you're thinking.

"I don't care"

But before you click away, please understand that I think I have a gift. But I think it's a gift we all have. It's deja vu. I'm convinced this happens in my sleep. I have a weird dream about something, and then like a few days and a few drinks later, it happens. I can't predict when it happens, but it does. Is it weird...yes. Is it hard to believe...yes. Has it happened to you...I don't know. Am I slightly drunk...well, yes. Let's face facts, I can see the future...you're pissed that you actually read this whole post.

Startups in Big Companies

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 22:00:07 GMT
Let's turn on those creative juices...right after you finish your tps report.If your company has been around for over 20 years and now wants to get on the "Internets" with those Twitterers, you might as well give up. Company marketing departments these days pretend they want to innovate and modernize, but it never works right. Older companies were built on systems and hierarchies. You're doomed unless you can create some turmoil. And that's pretty hard to do. Let's face facts, a startup is called a startup for a reason.

Can we face some facts about Twitter?

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 21:55:22 GMT
Mr. Important is currently wasting his time typing a 2 sentence update...tweet Since my last post, the Twitter phenomenon has really picked up steam. And why shouldn't it have. People love themselves. They love telling others about their lives. Facebook and MySpace were starts, but just didn't have that immediacy that Twitter has. I mean right now I'm having a conflict whether to continue this crappy post, or tweet a crappy sentence. I need followers, I need people to want me.

And boy do I love those witty tweets. Oh boy, some people are clever. People spend a whole 10 minutes thinking of that "funny" tweet. It's kind of like Eminem in 8 mile. You got one shot, you have to be funny. Cause if you screw up you can't post another pointless comment for at least 3 seconds.

PS. Barack Obama isn't really tweeting to you. Let's face facts, if you love yourself you best start tweetin.

I apologize

Wed, 28 Jan 2009 20:51:17 GMT
I apologize for not updating this thing in a while. I'm busy learning other things.

Let's face facts, I like learning.

POST YOUR OWN FACTS

Mon, 15 Dec 2008 21:57:59 GMT
Let's Face It, it's a big world out there. And there are a lot of facts. For that reason, I have setup this section of the site for you to post whatever is on your mind. Some may call this a Twitter rip off. To those people I say, shut up. Let's Face Facts, This Is Your Chance To Post YOUR FACTS.

Fast Food is Getting Too Fast

Thu, 13 Nov 2008 23:05:40 GMT
I can't believe how fast that kid was able to make my order, spit in it, and deliver it to the drive-up window. Friends, I've had the unfortunate experience of eating at some fast food places lately because I like feeling like shit. But I'm hear to complain about something very important today.

These fast food places are becoming too efficient.

When I drive up I'd like a minute to look over my menu options. Oops, no time for that. Because, you see, the magical order-taking speaker is part of the menu. And the person on the other end of this magical device is asking me for my order the second I pull up. At least, I think they are. I hear something like "Welcome touf thioughotu burger jfoduu ocombo meal?"

So I sit there looking over my options knowing that this person is waiting on me. Oh no, now a car pulled up behind me. Damnit, they're waiting on me too. Why couldn't there have been a car in front of me when I pulled up? Oh wait, that wouldn't have mattered either, because I can't read the sign from two cars back. Why couldn't I have been at Burger King where there's a 'preview' sign before I get to the magical ordering machine. Oh wait, that 'preview' sign only has combo choices on it. I'm screwed.

So finally I place my order which is completely screwed up. I have hardly heard my options from the magical machine anyway. I think I did make out "Please drive around". So I do that. But shit, now I have to pay for this stuff. And my wallet is in my pants. I can't reach it. I have to drive around this bend and reach in my pants. I usually only do that in dark places. Oh no, now I'm at the window. This person is waiting for my money. Do I have change to give her? Screw it, here's a 20 dollar bill for that 99 cent fries. But please take it fast, because I see the lady at the next window dangling my helpless fries. If I don't get there soon, she'll drop them and my life will be over.

Ok, now I zoom up and grab the bag. Mission accomplished. Let me drive a little bit and check this bag. Oh crap, they gave me onion rings instead of fries. What have I done to deserve this? Let's face facts, getting fast food these days is just too fast.

Big Ideas Don't Fit in Big Companies

Wed, 12 Nov 2008 20:31:48 GMT

Great idea, but first I need you to finish this TPS report.I've realized that if there's one thing that big companies don't understand...it's new ideas. I guess when you're taught to follow the leader and do as your told, it makes sense. Why step out of line? Why take chances? As a result you have organizations that play it safe...too safe. They wait for someone else to come up with an idea, and then wait for that idea to evolve into a safe option before jumping on. Of course by then it's too late.

As a result, you are left with more employees who are not happy at their jobs, and not happy with the direction that their company is heading. There is an answer to this. Big companies need to empower their employees. Employees need to contribute and do things outside the norm without being penalized. I don't mean taking shits in the company bathroom sink. I mean, coming up with new ideas and strategies which are embraced by sr. mgmt.

Some companies start out with this progressive approach. But then over time, the innovation and uniqueness gives way to dollars and cents. Watch a company like Google 20 years from now. Hopefully this won't happen to them. Let's face facts, your TPS report is more important to your company than your ideas.

Daily Show with Jon Stewart Faces Facts

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 23:27:04 GMT

Facing facts daily makes The Daily Show a hit. Watch this recent interview between Jon Stewart and Paul Rudd. The interview picks up when Jon Stewart decides that we all must face facts. Let's face facts, Jon Stewart understands the need for all of us to face facts.

Obama Walks on Water

Wed, 05 Nov 2008 21:45:14 GMT

I knew it.

Let's face facts, he can also turn water into wine.

Obama Wins The Election

Wed, 05 Nov 2008 21:39:49 GMT

I'm going to give it to you straight.Don't know if you heard, but Barack Obama apparently won the election? Let's face facts, letsfacefacts.com give you the news first.

Please Describe That Show I Haven't Seen

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 22:39:46 GMT

I'm really interested, I swear. Friends, .I want you to picture this. I see you at a bar. I tell you about a "Really funny show I saw." I tell you about this for 15 minutes. Keep in mind, you haven't seen this show. As I'm describing every "hilarious" scene, you start looking around the room. You notice what time it is, you may even check your phone hoping for a call that will never come. But instead I continue to tell you every detail of every character's movement. Keep in mind, you still haven't seen this show. Within the past 15 minutes, no TV miraculously started airing the episode that I'm painfully describing.Now here comes the best part....I want you to react to what I'm saying. "Ha ha, wow that sounds great.....How funny....He DID WHAT?" You still haven't seen this piece of epic TV drama. At this point, you try to change the subject. You bring up something that we both actually have experienced. I start to respond. You think it worked. But then suddenly I tie what you're saying back into that "hilarious episode." At this point you hate me. Friends, let's please face facts, no one cares about a show he or she hasn't seen.

Why is McCain stealing my lines?

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 22:13:13 GMT

I lied about having no facts to face 2 minutes ago Friends, I have had friends long before McCain tried to take them. They're my friends. He can't have them. I don't care how many times he says "My friends". They're not really his friends. I'm your friend, friends. I deliver the facts. "The Maverick" delivers a moron from Alaska. I don't do that. He also delivers old age. I don't do that either. I just really wish he would stop calling everyone "his friends". Let's face facts, they're not and never will be.

Does this look like your friend?

I don't have anything to write

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 22:05:42 GMT

I really don't I thought about writing something today. But then I realized I had nothing to write about. This is not because everything is going great. It means, as my girlfriend just pointed out, that there are few facts to face today. Facts like "Mondays suck" are nothing new. So I won't make this post any longer than it has to be. Let's face facts, sometimes there are just not enough facts to face.

Words From Successful Web Marketing Campaigns

Wed, 01 Oct 2008 21:19:11 GMT

There's no I in success Friends, if you work in business and have the opportunity to work on a new website or marketing plan, you are bound to see a variety or words that are meant to inspire and show relevance. Here's some examples...

Profit

Savings

Cutting Edge

Best

Featured

Limited Time

Discounted

Now here's some words that should be used to describe your campaign:

unique

different

revolutionary

useful

faster

dedicated

focused

interactive

receptive

evolving

everyday

Notice I didn't capitalize that second set. Those words don't need to be. The actions behind them are what works. The old marketing terms like "Act Now" and "Limited Time Only" don't work anymore. There are far too many places on the Internet where you can get that product you're looking for at a value anytime. Successful marketing campaigns today give control and respect to the consumer. The user of a site for example wants interactivity, and feel like their voice matters. They want a value...everyday. They want a useful product/service that isn't just new, but is revolutionary. Let's Face Facts, the words you use to describe your site can be the difference between success and failure.

What is Marketing?

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 21:34:03 GMT

Isn't it bullshit? I was asked this the other day by a coworker. Traditionally, marketing was all about the price, positioning, placement, packaging, product and whatever other p word you could think of for a product/service.

Today in most Web businesses, marketing actually IS the business. This means that in addition to the marketing P's and other related activities such as sales, you need an entire team for support. Think about online companies that constantly win customer service awards. That's not a marketing department, but it sure supports the company in a marketing-related way. Or the Internet companies like Amazon.com that offer the "long-tail", meaning they offer just about every book a consumer could imagine...not just the bestsellers. In this case, Amazon's distribution business strategy is the driver. Same thing with Netflix. And these companies beat out the traditional favorites like Blockbuster and Barnes and Noble. Let's face facts, in today's online world, your business as a whole is your marketing.

Web Advertising...no one has got it right yet.

Sun, 28 Sep 2008 14:37:31 GMT

No one has got this right yet...and maybe there is no right answer. As new forms of media develop, the first thought from advertisers is simply "How can I use this to advertise?" The problem is advertisers almost always get it wrong.

For example, when television was invented, advertisers tried to create commercials that resembled the radio spots they were all used to. These commercials were long, drawn out ads that were often several minutes long. Of course this didn't last long. Television is a visual medium. There's no need to explain every feature/benefit of your product/service. Of course, several companies never caught on to this and faded away into oblivion.

Now the Internet comes along. And what do you see? People trying to place short commercials before videos on major news sites. People displaying banner ads on every visible part of a web page. How angry do you get when you have to wait through a commercial to see a short video on a site like cnn.com? How often can you remember a banner ad from any site you have visited? Probably never.

The issue is the Internet is different. It's interactive. People only use it to view things that they are interested in, when THEY want. I believe the real strategy with web advertising is catering to your target when and where they are interested in your products/services. For example, a car banner ad on a cnn.com homepage probably will be ineffective. Sure, you'll get some visits...but overall the performance of the ad will probably be very low. Now take that same ad and place it on a site like edmunds.com. Perhaps it's a Toyota sedan ad. Why not place that ad on a page comparing sedans or a page about Toyotas. Here, you have a user who is actively interested in your product. Now is the opportunity to help them in their buying decision. Notice I said help. Consumers use the Internet for information just like they use it for purchasing. Contextual advertising also is a beneficial tool for web advertising. When a customer searches for Toyota sedans on Google, they are actively involved in a search process. Why not have some paid search program which has your product at the top of the results? And of course there's CRM systems and email campaigns which allow you to continue to engage your customers with ads that are relevant to their wants/needs.

Let's face facts, Web advertising is different than any other type of media advertising. The benefits to engage customers are there, but often not used.

Does the public really need this?

Sat, 27 Sep 2008 13:26:47 GMT

A simple question that any marketer can ask. I've seen examples of more and more businesses clamoring to join fads and become the "me toos". These companies need to stop, put themselves in a position of a customer and say "why would i use this?" "Is this product different than what's out there already?" "Does this product/service match our business objectives?" Unless your idea creates marginal value for a consumer, what's the use? Let's Face Facts, just because you can create a product/service, doesn't mean it's the best decision.

Supermarket Inefficiency

Sat, 27 Sep 2008 13:20:00 GMT

Friends, I was checking out at the store the other day with a cart full of groceries.

My first thought was to use the "do it yourself" registers, but I realized I had too many groceries. Also, have you ever noticed the people who use those registers. They are morons. They get up to the register thinking that they are beating the lines...stop... and look at the register as if they are thinking "where's the cashier?" Usually this ends with the store employee standing to the front of this madness coming over and checking out the groceries. But that's another story.

I'm here to talk about using those standard lines with the cashiers. Have you ever noticed that the aisles are just big enough to push a cart through. My question is...Do you go first, or does the cart? I mean, if your cart goes first, then it is hard to reach in and retrieve your food. However, if you enter first, it is hard to bag your groceries. Your cart is always behind you. Then you have to go all the way to the end of the aisle to move your cart to the front again. Usually this results in banging with other people trying to leave the store. Let's not forget you then have to go back up the checkout aisle to pay for your groceries. In the meantime, groceries are flying down the end of the counter. Every beep from the register is one beep closer to the end of my store visit. How am I going to bag these? I can't find my wallet? I can't reach into my cart? That guy behind me looks pissed? Where am I? My suggestion is that a larger person should sue the grocery chains complaining they can't get through. The store chains will build bigger aisles, and I will be happy. Let's face facts, the checkout lines of the store need to be changed.

It's Time to Face Facts - Marketing Facts

Mon, 08 Sep 2008 21:50:36 GMT

I'm selling the truth, who wants some. Starting today, I will be posting marketing facts and truths. 100% fact filled. Let's face facts, marketing is usually crap...until now.

RSS Hugger- sharing facts everywhere

Tue, 26 Aug 2008 21:31:01 GMT

Check out RSS Hugger if you have a fantastic blog or RSS feed that must be shared with other fact facing individuals. Rsshugger.com

Bela Karoyli fighting to make the Olympics a fact facing event

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 21:45:24 GMT

Water polo or a crazy Russian-American gymnastics coach commenting on the olympics...there's no contest. I was watching the olympics the other day, and let's face facts it's getting pretty boring fast. Basically it should just be called the Michael Phelps Show with special guests...underage Chinese gymnasts. But then just when I was about to change the channel, I heard a familiar voice. It was angry, yet motivated. (I could hear "You can do it" in the background.)

Yes, that voice was Bela Karoyli, the crazy Russian, or Russian-esque, or whatever he is gymnastic coach from years ago. He's back on a mission....to make us face facts when it comes to the Olympics. He's not afraid to call out anyone. He was genuinely disgusted when that American girl...something like Sasha Frufru Mimi or something.... tied the 10 year old Chinese girl but still was awarded the Silver medal. My friends, he helped us face facts. There can be two #1's. Who would have thought of that? I mean, I consider myself a fact facing person, and I didn't think of it. Then he went on a rampage about the hometown influence that judges take into account....more fact facing I love it. Then he wouldn't even stop when NBC cut to a commercial. He wasn't even afraid to speculate about the age of the Chinese gymnasts (who let's be honest are probably a decent 9 years old average) NBC, by the way should either create a Bela Karoyli show or make him cover all sports in the future. I am going to post this in my great moments in fact facing history, because it is just that. Let's face facts, Bela Karoyli is the only person facing facts with the olympics and the only reason to watch (unless you got a family member in there or something)

Forget Phelps, Karoyli is the Olympics for 2008

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 21:44:31 GMT

An Apology

Wed, 13 Aug 2008 22:57:43 GMT

Stop what you're doing and read my latest post. Friends, some would say I'm being hypocritical by making fun of people who publish things on the Web and tell their friends to read it. They're forgetting that I actually publish facts. Anyway, l would just like to apologize to everyone for the following:

1. Forgetting to read your latest blog.

2. Forgetting to hear your latest profile song and/or mp3

3. Not caring about your new website

4. Not "friending" you on a social network

5. "Friending" you a whole 10 minutes after you sent the request.

6. Leaving an absurd comment when I did "friend" you.

7. Not viewing your uploaded pictures

8. Not be impressed by your uploaded pictures

9. Watching your posted video on mute

10. Not replying to your evite

11. Not caring about your current mood

12. Not caring about your latest funny quote

13. Purposely not replying to your evite

Let's face facts, I'm sure there are more but I just stopped caring about you.

Olympics are hijacking my TV

Sun, 10 Aug 2008 21:50:19 GMT

Where's my show??? It was replaced with water polo? Friends, the Olympics began this past week, and I couldn't be more sad. The Olympics is kind of like the United Nations, an entity that pretends the nations of the world really live together as one. But we are fact facers and we know better. As Russia takes on Georgia in basket weaving, or whatever lame sport the Olympic organization can think of, Russia is bombing out Georgia. Just like the U.N. can't solve world issues, the Olympics fails to really bring people together.

And anyway what's with these sports. Gymnastics? Isn't that pretty much underage girls training for ballet? Bike riding? Isn't that a leisure activity. I mean where's my "Deal or No Deal" for crying out loud.

Actually I just saw some commercials on NBC for upcoming episodes of "The Office" and "My Name is Earl" and on second thought I hope the Olympics never end. Let's face facts, I just had a change of heart and hope the Olympics replace all television programming permanently.

Kappa Delta Anthrax

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 23:03:02 GMT

Some guys will do anything for girls It came out this week that this guy who was a chief suspect for the anthrax attacks several years ago had several problems. First he loved college girls. Wait, is that a problem? Well, I guess it is when your reaction to loving college girls is filling envelopes with anthrax and mailing it around the country. Let's face facts, what this guy really needed was a book on picking up chicks.

Ready, aim, fire.

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 22:46:02 GMT

There's nothing quite like using the urinal. Friends, lets be honest... if you're a guy, and you have to pee....there's nothing like using a urinal to meet your needs. So many ways to aim...it's pretty much art. Sometimes, public places even have custom urinal cakes with "bad people" like bin Laden on them. Now there's a target. Sometimes the cakes are lightly scented. For those, I like to give an extra direct shower to release the fragrances. If you aim for the back of the porcelain pedestal, you hear the light shimmer of your urine...sometimes it sprinkles back at you. At Yankee Stadium, there are framed ads placed above each urinal. Every time I stop in those bathrooms, I always smile to myself and say "Now there's some clever marketing." I hope I've given my female readers a glimpse into the life of peeing into a urinal. Let's face facts, peeing into a urinal is really fun.

Maybe it's time to give up?

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 20:48:23 GMT

Let's Face Facts, if you look like this it's time to give up.

The real office space

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 22:07:48 GMT

How creepy can I be while wearing a tie? Friends, I just would first like to say that I have been having an overall factual week. No need to face facts at all...until today. Anyone who has worked an office job, interned at an office, delivered food to an office, or went to work with his/her dad on "Take my neglected son/daughter to work day" knows about "watercooler chat". I will now summarize several possible scenarios of what can happen at this container of water.

Scenario 1: A guy is really thirsty and wants a drink.

Scenario 2: A young, attractive girl is by the watercooler or just hanging out in the kitchen. (Note: When you're a hot, young girl, you can get away with not doing work and hanging out in the kitchen). Suddenly, a flock of hopeless men in cheap suits who hate their children, their wives, and their lives appear saying things like "Oh man, I remember when I was young...how's life young lady." These guys look like the guy in the picture.

Scenario 3: A 40 year old father who really wished he could have made a career in sports, but failed and now pressures his kids is bullying another coworker about how his team (his team being the Yankees or some other club that really doesn't belong to him) "dominated" last night.

Scenario 4: A quiet older lady is nervously talking to a coworker about "the people at the end of the hall with the computers." She's talking low so that the boss doesn't hear. She doesn't realize that the boss doesn't give a rat's ass about her opinion.

Scenario 5: A gaggle of middle-aged women are talking about their children and trying to outdo each other.

Scenario 6: "Crazy weather we're having."

Scenario 7: The googly eyed office worker is mumbling about blowing the place up.

Let's face facts, watercooler chat is bullshit

Americans love dead people

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 17:27:36 GMT

This has to be good...someone dead is in it. The new Batman movie opened this weekend, and I'm interested in seeing it. I've been a Batman fan for years. Batman movies have done well over the years, but this latest film has become the biggest opening weekend movie ever. Why is this? Did more people finally identify with Batman as a troubled hero? Did they draw comparisons to their own lives? Are we all just silly? Nope...it's because the movie has a dead guy in it.

It's time to face it, we have an obsession with dead people. Think about it, this movie is making millions, and some are calling for Heath Ledger to receive an Academy Award. I'm sure he would have preferred to receive it while he was alive. But now that he's dead...he's got to win!

This phenomenon is not new. Kurt Cobain and Nirvana have sold thousands of albums and other merchandise AFTER Cobain decided that he had too much money and needed to die. Elvis Presley leads the list in top earning, dead celebrities. Who would have watched those "The Crow" movies until Brandon Lee died in the making of it? Can anyone name something worthwhile Anna Nicole Smith was in? Yet the E! channel treats her like Mother Theresa. What about Selina? Who gave a crap about her music until she was murdered.

Friends, what it comes down to is that we all like each other. But we like each other better when we're dead. Let's face facts, if you want to be sell more books, movies, or music...or if you just want to be better liked... you're better off dead.

It takes a cold man to stop a hot war

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 21:38:11 GMT

Cold Wars bring out the best in all of us. When I thought of men who faced facts about 5 minutes ago, I instantly thought of Nikita Kruschev. I mean, who wouldn't? The guy put the "commie" in communist. But despite all that Marxist bullshit that I don't even understand (I got my Communist teaching from Looney Tunes cartoons), I am recognizing this great leader. I wasn't born in the 1950's and 1960's, but I know that the world was almost annihilated when the U.S. and Russia got "bomb happy" after World War II. Funny how some things never change. Anyway, the Russians were delivering bombs to Cuba because Castro was going to be featured in a Rage Against the Machine music video or something. Kennedy took time out from banging Marilyn Monroe to order a blockade of the Russian ships.

Kruschev had a choice. Should I start a nuclear war? No, this man truly faced facts. He turned those Russian ships around and saved thousands of lives. By doing this, he also guaranteed his country a superior ice hockey team for years to come, a superhuman boxer who almost beat Rocky Balboa, and a place in history as a great world leader. Let's face facts, if it wasn't for Kruschev...you wouldn't be alive today.

Learning to cook

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 20:48:35 GMT

Let's Face Facts, we all can't be gourmet chefs. Fortunately, this fact-filled video will show you how to cook on a modest budget.

Family Feud theme cures depression

Sat, 12 Jul 2008 18:44:47 GMT

Let's face facts, the "Family Feud" theme song makes everyone happy!

This burger tastes funny

Sat, 05 Jul 2008 16:09:34 GMT

"I said NO PICKLES." Supposedly 80,000 Koreans marched in Seoul today to protest U.S. beef imports. Must be pretty boring in South Korea. These 80,000 people have nothing else to do but rally about beef imports? Maybe they should talk to their nothern neighbors who are feasting on lead paint that they peel off their walls.

I can sympathize a little. The Wendy's burger I had the other day was pretty bad. The commerical told me that "It's not fast food...it's Wendys". I felt cheated...maybe that's how the South Korea thing started. Let's face facts, South Koreans need some new hobbies.

Profiles in great businessmen

Tue, 08 Jul 2008 22:36:00 GMT

Let's face facts, Billy Ray Cyrus proves that exploiting your children is worth it.

Ann Curry is a robot

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 23:09:48 GMT

She's planning world domination...one Today show at a time.Friends, I just want to make a brief comment. Ann Curry is a cyborg. I suspected this when I saw her doing the Today Show, and then the evening news. But now she's doing commercials, weekend shows, and primetime specials. Now I've already assumed Ms. Curry is a lonely person with no family. But all of that work suggests something much deeper. She is in fact...half robot. No human can work that much. No human could work a happy, silly news show like the Today Show and then be seen narrating a murder on Dateline hours later.

Perhaps this is a plot by NBC. Take control of the ratings by manufacturing "robocop" reporters. Ann, if you're reading this, I really like your work. Please don't kill me. Let's face facts, Ann Curry is a robot. If she ever malfunctions, I want her to take out Al Roker first.

Lemonade is in fact made from lemons

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 22:30:10 GMT
I was confused, why is my lemonade not made of oranges. Friends, I was being sarcastic with that opening remark. I was enjoying a Minute Maid lemonade beverage a couple of minutes ago, and as I drank I noticed the text "Made from real lemons" plastered in several places on the carton.

My question is, "Why wouldn't it?" I mean, what could lemonade possibly be made of. Could a prankster at Minute Maid slip in some limes to a carton? "Haha, I got those lemonade drinkers now." Perhaps, there once was a lemonade company that wanted to see how stupid Americans were. This company created a beverage made from olive oil and goat cheese and called it "lemonade". Minute Maid decided that this was clearly unethical. They created a lemonade made from real lemons. All I can say is God bless Minute Maid. Let's face facts, lemonade should be made from real lemons. It's not a special bonus.

Toilet of Solitude

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 21:01:49 GMT
Step into my office. After some conversation with Matt Koff, we both came to a dramatic fact that needs to be faced. The bathroom, and especially the toilet is the greatest part of the house and provides me with the best moments of the day. It's in the bathroom that I am king. As I sit on my throne, I lock that door and realize I am truly free. No one can come in, no one can tell me what to do, and I call the shots.

I look around. I'm surrounded in isolation. The soothing sounds of a ceiling fan or complete silence. If I'm out at a fancy establishment, the only sound may be the air freshener which periodically makes a "ppft" sound and releases sweet fragrances. Boss got you down at work? Escape to the "boss-free zone"...your work bathroom stall. And the surprises of what ends up in the toilet keeps me coming back time and time again.

What's going on in the news you ask? You came to the right place. I read the entire business section of the Daily News on the toilet this morning and boy have I got some financial tips for you. At home, I sometimes bring a radio into the bathroom. That's right, I can hear an entire baseball game as I relieve myself. What's that...is that the phone? Sorry, I can't get it. I'm relieving myself in heavenly bliss, please leave a message. Some people need to take trips around the world for vacation. I say, why not have a vacation from reality every day...on the toilet! Let's face facts, there is no better time of the day than when you take a toilet break.

The reason Americans mute the MLB All-Star Home Run Derby

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 22:02:44 GMT

A home run loser.

The home run derby was tonight. I turned it on for a second because I really wanted to see steroid, juiced up jebrones hitting soft pitch balls really far. After a tough day at work, it was between this or Nashville Star and if you read my blogs you know how I feel about that. Anyway, I turn it on to hear some ass screaming "back, back,back,back, gone" Suddenly like someone who woke up out of a coma I remember why I hate the Home Run Derby. Chris Berman. Can anyone say he's a good announcer? I mean there are tons of horrible announcers. Most of them are ex-players who are senile, or douchebags who wish they could have played sports. But this guy takes the cake. I promptly turned off the game and retired to the toilet. Let's face facts, Chris Berman should not be announcing anything in this lifetime.

Even if your candidate wins...you lose

Sat, 12 Jul 2008 22:45:53 GMT

Next January we will have a new President in the U.S., and your life will still suck If you watch the news networks lately, you're bound to see a bunch of talentless communication majors sitting around discussing who will make a better President. These rejects are usually interviewing "analysts" who seem to have biased opinions for either McCain or Obama. Usually we have a Mr. Old Whitey McWhite who is supporting McCain and Ms. Liberal Douche supporting Obama. The conversation turns into a shouting match about who will make the better President.

I've give this some thought, and I have the answer...it doesn't matter. Come next year, no matter who is elected...you will still be working at your job, paying similar taxes, paying the same gas prices, fighting the same war, and being pissed off all the same. Neither Obama or McCain will have an impact on your life. You see, we're in a hole helped in part by a President who really did create an impact on our lives. Let's face facts, whether you vote for Obama or McCain, your life will still suck.

Maybe I should have waited a few minutes before buying this iphone?

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 20:39:10 GMT

Being the first to buy a new iPhone makes you a first class loser. Friends, Apple does make good products. Recently, we've seen Apple develop everything besides a product that can keep Steve Jobs healthy. So why does Apple upset me? After all, aren't they providing a healthy alternative to PC's and Microsoft products?

I'll be straight with you. People who buy Apple products are douches. Plain and simple. Think about your friend with his/her iPhone. Think about how they sip their latte, listen to their soft, shitty music, and talk about their alternative lifestyle. Watch them show you how touching their phone delivers an instant orgasm. In this recent case, Apple-lovers turned out to be the first to buy the new iPhone which didn't even work. Apparently Apple couldn't keep up with the speed of its douche customers. Let's face facts, being the first to buy that iPhone really doesn't make you special.

ExxonMobil cares about your money

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 23:20:05 GMT
Billion dollar profits > you. Friends, I used to think that ExxonMobil was a fraternity of old, white men who live in a castle high above the clouds periodically shitting on humans that live on Earth. Occasionally, this fraternity would shit on our entire ecosystem too with mistakes like oil spills, and price gouging.

But boy was I wrong. A new ad campaign from ExxonMobil proves that the fraternity is actually a company of humans like you and I. In fact, the commercial details that Exxon is looking for alternative energy sources and constantly researching for the future. http://www.media.exxonmobil.com/media/microsite/index1.html?

But then something occurred to me. I looked up alternative energy research in the dictionary. To my surprise, I found a picture of ExxonMobils logo which turned around and shit on me from the dictionary. Yes friends, it turns out that the ExxonMobil commercials are just PR trying to make us oil-loving Americans think that they're researching alternative energy sources for the future. To prove my point, I also looked up R3M, which is one of their future technologies, in the dictionaies. Guess what, I got shit on again from the book. Lets face facts, ExxonMobil has no interest in looking for alternative energy sources. Your money is far too important to them.

Profiles of an American spirit

Sat, 05 Jul 2008 20:13:58 GMT

There's something in the air in the Northwest. This guy in Oregon wants to fly on his lawn chair to Idaho. He plans to do this by stringing lots of balloons to the chair. This story made it to CNN's homepage. There's really nothing else to say. Let's face facts, if I was from another country, I would think America is full of morons.

You didn't really need college

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 21:00:00 GMT
Your degree wasn't really necessary for your career. Friends, I want you to think back to your days of college. Wild parties, binge drinking, barefeet hippies, bestiality. And now if you're over 26 you probably have a job (unless your looking for meaning in life like the creepy 30 year old who was in your media class). Now as you sit in your cubicle counting bills for your boss, think about that degree. Did you really need it? Did you really need that debt you've accumulated? Could a gerbil be doing the job you're doing right now. My friends, I was once told that business is 80% bullshit and 20% logic. Well, I'll tell you this guy was way wrong. It's more like 89.5% bullshit and 10.5% logic. The same goes for everything else except maybe doctors. They have to know something, although they give me a lot of bullshit when i say my head hurts, and they give me a 5 minute checkup and a prescription in some illegible handwriting. That $20 copay is some bullshit too. Other than that though...what is there? Lawyers....bullshit, politicians.....bullshit. Lucky for me I went to a state school, which means I knew my degree was bullshit before I even entered school. Let's face facts, your degree was a mistake.

Because you're a regular customer at Barnes and Noble doesn't mean you're smart.

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 19:06:58 GMT
Mocha Lattes do not equal brain cells. Friends, how often is it that you walk into a bookstore and you hear a voice booming from the corner of the room. No, it's not Aristotle. It's Larry from the condo development down the block. You see Larry is somewhat of a superhero. By day, he's a retired postal worker. But at night...the spectacles come on, a latte is grabbed, and into your local bookstore walks a legend. A man who can talk about every world religion, every historical figure, and every title on the bestseller list. And you'll hear about it as he bends over to your table to ask if you heard about the latest global weather patterns. Interestingly, this man must be so advanced in his learning, because it surpasses all human understanding. In fact, no one in the store seems to pay any attention to him. Now, that's a genius if I've ever seen one. So next time you're at the bookstore, see if Larry is there. Ask about how Nixon was part of a secret society with the Pope. Then ask Larry if it was hard being fired from Burger King. Let's Face Facts...just because you can spew facts about bestsellers to stranger, you are no Einstein.