Fast Food is Getting Too Fast

Thursday November 13, 2008 @ 10:05 PM
I can't believe how fast that kid was able to make my order, spit in it, and deliver it to the drive-up window. Friends, I've had the unfortunate experience of eating at some fast food places lately because I like feeling like shit. But I'm hear to complain about something very important today.

These fast food places are becoming too efficient.

When I drive up I'd like a minute to look over my menu options. Oops, no time for that. Because, you see, the magical order-taking speaker is part of the menu. And the person on the other end of this magical device is asking me for my order the second I pull up. At least, I think they are. I hear something like "Welcome touf thioughotu burger jfoduu ocombo meal?"

So I sit there looking over my options knowing that this person is waiting on me. Oh no, now a car pulled up behind me. Damnit, they're waiting on me too. Why couldn't there have been a car in front of me when I pulled up? Oh wait, that wouldn't have mattered either, because I can't read the sign from two cars back. Why couldn't I have been at Burger King where there's a 'preview' sign before I get to the magical ordering machine. Oh wait, that 'preview' sign only has combo choices on it. I'm screwed.

So finally I place my order which is completely screwed up. I have hardly heard my options from the magical machine anyway. I think I did make out "Please drive around". So I do that. But shit, now I have to pay for this stuff. And my wallet is in my pants. I can't reach it. I have to drive around this bend and reach in my pants. I usually only do that in dark places. Oh no, now I'm at the window. This person is waiting for my money. Do I have change to give her? Screw it, here's a 20 dollar bill for that 99 cent fries. But please take it fast, because I see the lady at the next window dangling my helpless fries. If I don't get there soon, she'll drop them and my life will be over.

Ok, now I zoom up and grab the bag. Mission accomplished. Let me drive a little bit and check this bag. Oh crap, they gave me onion rings instead of fries. What have I done to deserve this? Let's face facts, getting fast food these days is just too fast.
Comments (8 )

Please Describe That Show I Haven't Seen

Monday October 20, 2008 @ 09:39 PM
I'm really interested, I swear. Friends, .I want you to picture this. I see you at a bar. I tell you about a "Really funny show I saw." I tell you about this for 15 minutes. Keep in mind, you haven't seen this show. As I'm describing every "hilarious" scene, you start looking around the room. You notice what time it is, you may even check your phone hoping for a call that will never come. But instead I continue to tell you every detail of every character's movement. Keep in mind, you still haven't seen this show. Within the past 15 minutes, no TV miraculously started airing the episode that I'm painfully describing.Now here comes the best part....I want you to react to what I'm saying. "Ha ha, wow that sounds great.....How funny....He DID WHAT?" You still haven't seen this piece of epic TV drama. At this point, you try to change the subject. You bring up something that we both actually have experienced. I start to respond. You think it worked. But then suddenly I tie what you're saying back into that "hilarious episode." At this point you hate me. Friends, let's please face facts, no one cares about a show he or she hasn't seen.
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Why is McCain stealing my lines?

Monday October 13, 2008 @ 09:13 PM
I lied about having no facts to face 2 minutes ago Friends, I have had friends long before McCain tried to take them. They're my friends. He can't have them. I don't care how many times he says "My friends". They're not really his friends. I'm your friend, friends. I deliver the facts. "The Maverick" delivers a moron from Alaska. I don't do that. He also delivers old age. I don't do that either. I just really wish he would stop calling everyone "his friends". Let's face facts, they're not and never will be.

let's face facts, mccain is not your friend
Does this look like your friend?
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I don't have anything to write

Monday October 13, 2008 @ 09:05 PM
I really don't I thought about writing something today. But then I realized I had nothing to write about. This is not because everything is going great. It means, as my girlfriend just pointed out, that there are few facts to face today. Facts like "Mondays suck" are nothing new. So I won't make this post any longer than it has to be. Let's face facts, sometimes there are just not enough facts to face.
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Supermarket Inefficiency

Saturday September 27, 2008 @ 12:20 PM
Friends, I was checking out at the store the other day with a cart full of groceries.

My first thought was to use the "do it yourself" registers, but I realized I had too many groceries. Also, have you ever noticed the people who use those registers. They are morons. They get up to the register thinking that they are beating the lines...stop... and look at the register as if they are thinking "where's the cashier?" Usually this ends with the store employee standing to the front of this madness coming over and checking out the groceries. But that's another story.

I'm here to talk about using those standard lines with the cashiers. Have you ever noticed that the aisles are just big enough to push a cart through. My question is...Do you go first, or does the cart? I mean, if your cart goes first, then it is hard to reach in and retrieve your food. However, if you enter first, it is hard to bag your groceries. Your cart is always behind you. Then you have to go all the way to the end of the aisle to move your cart to the front again. Usually this results in banging with other people trying to leave the store. Let's not forget you then have to go back up the checkout aisle to pay for your groceries. In the meantime, groceries are flying down the end of the counter. Every beep from the register is one beep closer to the end of my store visit. How am I going to bag these? I can't find my wallet? I can't reach into my cart? That guy behind me looks pissed? Where am I? My suggestion is that a larger person should sue the grocery chains complaining they can't get through. The store chains will build bigger aisles, and I will be happy. Let's face facts, the checkout lines of the store need to be changed.
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RSS Hugger- sharing facts everywhere

Tuesday August 26, 2008 @ 08:31 PM
Check out RSS Hugger if you have a fantastic blog or RSS feed that must be shared with other fact facing individuals.
Comments (6 )

An Apology

Wednesday August 13, 2008 @ 09:57 PM
Stop what you're doing and read my latest post. Friends, some would say I'm being hypocritical by making fun of people who publish things on the Web and tell their friends to read it. They're forgetting that I actually publish facts. Anyway, l would just like to apologize to everyone for the following:
  • 1. Forgetting to read your latest blog.
  • 2. Forgetting to hear your latest profile song and/or mp3
  • 3. Not caring about your new website
  • 4. Not "friending" you on a social network
  • 5. "Friending" you a whole 10 minutes after you sent the request.
  • 6. Leaving an absurd comment when I did "friend" you.
  • 7. Not viewing your uploaded pictures
  • 8. Not be impressed by your uploaded pictures
  • 9. Watching your posted video on mute
  • 10. Not replying to your evite
  • 11. Not caring about your current mood
  • 12. Not caring about your latest funny quote
  • 13. Purposely not replying to your evite

Let's face facts, I'm sure there are more but I just stopped caring about you.
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Olympics are hijacking my TV

Sunday August 10, 2008 @ 08:50 PM
let's face facts, the olympics are silly

Where's my show??? It was replaced with water polo? Friends, the Olympics began this past week, and I couldn't be more sad. The Olympics is kind of like the United Nations, an entity that pretends the nations of the world really live together as one. But we are fact facers and we know better. As Russia takes on Georgia in basket weaving, or whatever lame sport the Olympic organization can think of, Russia is bombing out Georgia. Just like the U.N. can't solve world issues, the Olympics fails to really bring people together.

And anyway what's with these sports. Gymnastics? Isn't that pretty much underage girls training for ballet? Bike riding? Isn't that a leisure activity. I mean where's my "Deal or No Deal" for crying out loud.

Actually I just saw some commercials on NBC for upcoming episodes of "The Office" and "My Name is Earl" and on second thought I hope the Olympics never end. Let's face facts, I just had a change of heart and hope the Olympics replace all television programming permanently.
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Ready, aim, fire.

Wednesday July 30, 2008 @ 09:46 PM
There's nothing quite like using the urinal. Friends, lets be honest... if you're a guy, and you have to pee....there's nothing like using a urinal to meet your needs. So many ways to's pretty much art. Sometimes, public places even have custom urinal cakes with "bad people" like bin Laden on them. Now there's a target. Sometimes the cakes are lightly scented. For those, I like to give an extra direct shower to release the fragrances. If you aim for the back of the porcelain pedestal, you hear the light shimmer of your urine...sometimes it sprinkles back at you. At Yankee Stadium, there are framed ads placed above each urinal. Every time I stop in those bathrooms, I always smile to myself and say "Now there's some clever marketing." I hope I've given my female readers a glimpse into the life of peeing into a urinal. Let's face facts, peeing into a urinal is really fun.
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The real office space

Wednesday July 23, 2008 @ 09:07 PM
letsfacefacts, watercooler talk at the office sucks

How creepy can I be while wearing a tie? Friends, I just would first like to say that I have been having an overall factual week. No need to face facts at all...until today. Anyone who has worked an office job, interned at an office, delivered food to an office, or went to work with his/her dad on "Take my neglected son/daughter to work day" knows about "watercooler chat". I will now summarize several possible scenarios of what can happen at this container of water.

Scenario 1: A guy is really thirsty and wants a drink.

Scenario 2: A young, attractive girl is by the watercooler or just hanging out in the kitchen. (Note: When you're a hot, young girl, you can get away with not doing work and hanging out in the kitchen). Suddenly, a flock of hopeless men in cheap suits who hate their children, their wives, and their lives appear saying things like "Oh man, I remember when I was's life young lady." These guys look like the guy in the picture.

Scenario 3: A 40 year old father who really wished he could have made a career in sports, but failed and now pressures his kids is bullying another coworker about how his team (his team being the Yankees or some other club that really doesn't belong to him) "dominated" last night.

Scenario 4: A quiet older lady is nervously talking to a coworker about "the people at the end of the hall with the computers." She's talking low so that the boss doesn't hear. She doesn't realize that the boss doesn't give a rat's ass about her opinion.

Scenario 5: A gaggle of middle-aged women are talking about their children and trying to outdo each other.

Scenario 6: "Crazy weather we're having."

Scenario 7: The googly eyed office worker is mumbling about blowing the place up.
Let's face facts, watercooler chat is bullshit
Comments (18 )

Ann Curry is a robot

Friday July 18, 2008 @ 10:09 PM
Ann Curry

She's planning world Today show at a time.Friends, I just want to make a brief comment. Ann Curry is a cyborg. I suspected this when I saw her doing the Today Show, and then the evening news. But now she's doing commercials, weekend shows, and primetime specials. Now I've already assumed Ms. Curry is a lonely person with no family. But all of that work suggests something much deeper. She is in fact...half robot. No human can work that much. No human could work a happy, silly news show like the Today Show and then be seen narrating a murder on Dateline hours later.

Perhaps this is a plot by NBC. Take control of the ratings by manufacturing "robocop" reporters. Ann, if you're reading this, I really like your work. Please don't kill me. Let's face facts, Ann Curry is a robot. If she ever malfunctions, I want her to take out Al Roker first.
Comments (78 )

Lemonade is in fact made from lemons

Wednesday July 16, 2008 @ 09:30 PM
I was confused, why is my lemonade not made of oranges. Friends, I was being sarcastic with that opening remark. I was enjoying a Minute Maid lemonade beverage a couple of minutes ago, and as I drank I noticed the text "Made from real lemons" plastered in several places on the carton.

My question is, "Why wouldn't it?" I mean, what could lemonade possibly be made of. Could a prankster at Minute Maid slip in some limes to a carton? "Haha, I got those lemonade drinkers now." Perhaps, there once was a lemonade company that wanted to see how stupid Americans were. This company created a beverage made from olive oil and goat cheese and called it "lemonade". Minute Maid decided that this was clearly unethical. They created a lemonade made from real lemons. All I can say is God bless Minute Maid. Let's face facts, lemonade should be made from real lemons. It's not a special bonus.
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Toilet of Solitude

Tuesday July 15, 2008 @ 08:01 PM
Step into my office. After some conversation with Matt Koff, we both came to a dramatic fact that needs to be faced. The bathroom, and especially the toilet is the greatest part of the house and provides me with the best moments of the day. It's in the bathroom that I am king. As I sit on my throne, I lock that door and realize I am truly free. No one can come in, no one can tell me what to do, and I call the shots.

I look around. I'm surrounded in isolation. The soothing sounds of a ceiling fan or complete silence. If I'm out at a fancy establishment, the only sound may be the air freshener which periodically makes a "ppft" sound and releases sweet fragrances. Boss got you down at work? Escape to the "boss-free zone"...your work bathroom stall. And the surprises of what ends up in the toilet keeps me coming back time and time again.

What's going on in the news you ask? You came to the right place. I read the entire business section of the Daily News on the toilet this morning and boy have I got some financial tips for you. At home, I sometimes bring a radio into the bathroom. That's right, I can hear an entire baseball game as I relieve myself. What's that the phone? Sorry, I can't get it. I'm relieving myself in heavenly bliss, please leave a message. Some people need to take trips around the world for vacation. I say, why not have a vacation from reality every day...on the toilet! Let's face facts, there is no better time of the day than when you take a toilet break.
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The reason Americans mute the MLB All-Star Home Run Derby

Monday July 14, 2008 @ 09:02 PM chris berman sucks

A home run loser.

The home run derby was tonight. I turned it on for a second because I really wanted to see steroid, juiced up jebrones hitting soft pitch balls really far. After a tough day at work, it was between this or Nashville Star and if you read my blogs you know how I feel about that. Anyway, I turn it on to hear some ass screaming "back, back,back,back, gone" Suddenly like someone who woke up out of a coma I remember why I hate the Home Run Derby. Chris Berman. Can anyone say he's a good announcer? I mean there are tons of horrible announcers. Most of them are ex-players who are senile, or douchebags who wish they could have played sports. But this guy takes the cake. I promptly turned off the game and retired to the toilet. Let's face facts, Chris Berman should not be announcing anything in this lifetime.
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Even if your candidate lose

Saturday July 12, 2008 @ 09:45 PM
let's face facts, neither obama or mccain will help your life,

Next January we will have a new President in the U.S., and your life will still suck If you watch the news networks lately, you're bound to see a bunch of talentless communication majors sitting around discussing who will make a better President. These rejects are usually interviewing "analysts" who seem to have biased opinions for either McCain or Obama. Usually we have a Mr. Old Whitey McWhite who is supporting McCain and Ms. Liberal Douche supporting Obama. The conversation turns into a shouting match about who will make the better President.

I've give this some thought, and I have the doesn't matter. Come next year, no matter who is will still be working at your job, paying similar taxes, paying the same gas prices, fighting the same war, and being pissed off all the same. Neither Obama or McCain will have an impact on your life. You see, we're in a hole helped in part by a President who really did create an impact on our lives. Let's face facts, whether you vote for Obama or McCain, your life will still suck.
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Maybe I should have waited a few minutes before buying this iphone?

Friday July 11, 2008 @ 07:39 PM
face facts iphone

Being the first to buy a new iPhone makes you a first class loser. Friends, Apple does make good products. Recently, we've seen Apple develop everything besides a product that can keep Steve Jobs healthy. So why does Apple upset me? After all, aren't they providing a healthy alternative to PC's and Microsoft products?

I'll be straight with you. People who buy Apple products are douches. Plain and simple. Think about your friend with his/her iPhone. Think about how they sip their latte, listen to their soft, shitty music, and talk about their alternative lifestyle. Watch them show you how touching their phone delivers an instant orgasm. In this recent case, Apple-lovers turned out to be the first to buy the new iPhone which didn't even work. Apparently Apple couldn't keep up with the speed of its douche customers. Let's face facts, being the first to buy that iPhone really doesn't make you special.
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ExxonMobil cares about your money

Tuesday July 1, 2008 @ 10:20 PM
Billion dollar profits > you. Friends, I used to think that ExxonMobil was a fraternity of old, white men who live in a castle high above the clouds periodically shitting on humans that live on Earth. Occasionally, this fraternity would shit on our entire ecosystem too with mistakes like oil spills, and price gouging. But boy was I wrong. A new ad campaign from ExxonMobil proves that the fraternity is actually a company of humans like you and I. In fact, the commercial details that Exxon is looking for alternative energy sources and constantly researching for the future. But then something occurred to me. I looked up alternative energy research in the dictionary. To my surprise, I found a picture of ExxonMobils logo which turned around and shit on me from the dictionary. Yes friends, it turns out that the ExxonMobil commercials are just PR trying to make us oil-loving Americans think that they're researching alternative energy sources for the future. To prove my point, I also looked up R3M, which is one of their future technologies, in the dictionaies. Guess what, I got shit on again from the book. Lets face facts, ExxonMobil has no interest in looking for alternative energy sources. Your money is far too important to them.
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You didn't really need college

Monday June 23, 2008 @ 08:00 PM
Your degree wasn't really necessary for your career. Friends, I want you to think back to your days of college. Wild parties, binge drinking, barefeet hippies, bestiality. And now if you're over 26 you probably have a job (unless your looking for meaning in life like the creepy 30 year old who was in your media class). Now as you sit in your cubicle counting bills for your boss, think about that degree. Did you really need it? Did you really need that debt you've accumulated? Could a gerbil be doing the job you're doing right now. My friends, I was once told that business is 80% bullshit and 20% logic. Well, I'll tell you this guy was way wrong. It's more like 89.5% bullshit and 10.5% logic. The same goes for everything else except maybe doctors. They have to know something, although they give me a lot of bullshit when i say my head hurts, and they give me a 5 minute checkup and a prescription in some illegible handwriting. That $20 copay is some bullshit too. Other than that though...what is there? Lawyers....bullshit, politicians.....bullshit. Lucky for me I went to a state school, which means I knew my degree was bullshit before I even entered school. Let's face facts, your degree was a mistake.
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Because you're a regular customer at Barnes and Noble doesn't mean you're smart.

Tuesday June 24, 2008 @ 06:06 PM
Mocha Lattes do not equal brain cells. Friends, how often is it that you walk into a bookstore and you hear a voice booming from the corner of the room. No, it's not Aristotle. It's Larry from the condo development down the block. You see Larry is somewhat of a superhero. By day, he's a retired postal worker. But at night...the spectacles come on, a latte is grabbed, and into your local bookstore walks a legend. A man who can talk about every world religion, every historical figure, and every title on the bestseller list. And you'll hear about it as he bends over to your table to ask if you heard about the latest global weather patterns. Interestingly, this man must be so advanced in his learning, because it surpasses all human understanding. In fact, no one in the store seems to pay any attention to him. Now, that's a genius if I've ever seen one. So next time you're at the bookstore, see if Larry is there. Ask about how Nixon was part of a secret society with the Pope. Then ask Larry if it was hard being fired from Burger King. Let's Face Facts...just because you can spew facts about bestsellers to stranger, you are no Einstein.
Comments (15 )