The Government Thinks We Are Idiots

Tuesday December 1, 2009 @ 09:04 PM
The New York Times reports that Darpa, the Pentagon's research division, is conducting a 'contest' in which the winner gets $40,000. All you have to do is find the location of 10 red balloons scattered about the country.

Now I know you're thinking...'surely you must be making this up?" "No intelligent government agency would think its people are a bunch of morons?" Well you're wrong.

Instead of putting that $40,000 toward the national deficit, the government would rather make us look like a bunch of shitheads. Hey, guess what...I just inflated 10 red balloons. They're sticking out of my ass. Quick, get the government to take a picture. I'm rich. Let's face facts, the government thinks you are a greedy fool.
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Kings of Vowels

Monday November 23, 2009 @ 08:56 PM
Kings of Leon love putting extra stress on the "a, e, i, o, u's and sometimes y's" of their songs. Just listen and tell me it's not annoying. I thought I liked this band, but now I just cringe with every held note. Let's face facts, Kings of Leon love vowels.
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The Biggest Loser is Making Me Hungry

Tuesday October 20, 2009 @ 08:09 PM
Pass the ice cream, I'm going to cry There's something about larger people trying to lose weight that brings a tear to my eye. And also makes me hungry. As I sit here, I'm thinking about ice cream...specifically chocolate chip cookie dough. I mean, these people on TV can't eat it. That saves more for me. I'll enjoy several scoops while they're running on a treadmill and crying about their past lives.

And let's face it, these people are not upset about their past. They're upset that they can't eat my ice cream. If anything, I feel more powerful as I eat and watch this show. Here I am, safe in my home. And those hungry people on TV can't eat my food. They can't break through the glass screen and devour everything in my kitchen. So, I'll continue to eat this ice cream Biggest Loserers, as long as you continue to run on that treadmill and cry. Let's face facts, if you're on the Biggest Loser show, you can't eat my ice cream.
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Local News Sucks

Monday September 21, 2009 @ 08:11 PM
Wild party at town square tonight...BE THEREI was watching the "local" local news tonight and I have to say it's horrendous. In an attempt to only report local news, I found out that there are several primaries going on that only involve 1 candidate. (Is that really a primary?) I also learned that there are people in my town that pave roads. Well, that's good..because I thought angels come down from heaven twice a year and line the roads with tar. Then for the 'dramatic' news, I learned that local buses might not be safe for kids. Now there was no evidence to prove this. The reporter interviewed a local mom who said the bus 'sounded kind of funny'. I don't know about you, but that's all the evidence I need.
And then finally there was a short report about the President's health care plan. Let's face facts, your 'local' local news probably sucks.
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America's Got Problems

Tuesday September 1, 2009 @ 08:27 PM
I'm watching "America's Got Talent", and I must say that America does not really have any talent. I'm sorry, but Let's Face Facts, if this is the best we have...we're in trouble.
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Finding the Right Shampoo

Sunday August 23, 2009 @ 06:27 PM
I'll have the extra fruity, light-textured, mild-smelling, nutritious and delicious shampoo to go...with cheese. Everyday I have a mission. That mission is to clean my hair. It's one of several missions like brushing my teeth, feeding the cat, and watching America's Got Talent. So imagine my surprise, when I took a shower the other day and didn't see my trusty bottle of shampoo. (In case you're wondering...David Hasselhoff was also not in the shower). I stopped for a moment, and was visibly scared. My girlfriend has bought the shampoo previously, and she wasn't home. I had to take matters in my own hands.

First I went to work with wet, but really unclean hair knowing that eventually I would be stopping at the local A&P to pick up new shampoo. I watched the clock all day looking forward to the moment that I could once again clean my hair. Before I knew it, the time had come and I was at the store.

But lo and behold, it wouldn't be that easy. I found the shampoo aisle thanks to the flower lady who wears excessive makeup. But little did I know that there would literally be aisles of shampoo. The first thing I did was what any normal guy would do...look for Pert Plus. It has shampoo and conditioner, and the commercials told me I need conditioner. I'm not really sure what conditioner does, and why shampoo normally lacks it, but the Pert people are ahead of the curve. But to my dismay something happened since the last time I was buying shampoo. The Pert product lines have expanded into several hundred categories...literally several hundred. I began to sweat and may have pissed myself. In fact, all shampoo brands now have billions of varieties.

How am I going to do this? Do I have oily hair? damaged hair? color treated hair? I think my hair is black...so can I use the shampoo for lighter hair colors? Do I have wet hair? I mean, it occasionally gets wet in the rain. I think I mostly have dry hair. But if I buy the dry hair shampoo, will my hair turn to shit when it gets wet?

Then there's the flavors. Cherries, and apples, and cream, and bananas. Am I supposed to eat this? One thing for sure, I'm not buying that Suave crap, no sir. I never buy the cheapest items, I buy the next to cheapest items. And because Suave comes in so many flavors, I decided I better stay away from the flavored shampoos.

I decided to take a step back and watch other people choose their shampoos. Women came by and without thinking threw shampoos in their basket. A couple douchey metrosexual men did the same. One guy checked every price, and then picked the cheapest one (cch-ching Suave!)So this was no help. After a whole 9 minutes of pain, I decided to let A&P help me out. They had a giant sign for Garnier Fructis. Now I'm not sure what a "Fructis" is, but it sounds like fruit which is healthy for you. There was one type of Garnier Fructis for "normal hair". Hallelujah, I found it. Normal hair! That's me. I quickly bought the shampoo, drove home and rolled around in Fructis goodness.Let's face facts, in a world with too many shampoos, Garnier Fructis saved my life and can save yours.
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My air conditioner

Wednesday August 19, 2009 @ 07:30 PM
I like it when you blow hot air on me. Right now, I'm sitting on my bed and boy is it hot outside. My apartment is about the size of a shoebox so I figured an air conditioner could easily cool the place down in hours. Ask anyone you know if they think it would take a long time to cool down a shoebox with a full-size air conditioner. Well, it's been several hours and I barely feel a difference. I'm not sure if it is because this thing is environmentally-friendly, aka blows no cool air but saves a plot of grass. All I know is I'm hot. And let's face facts, I don't want to be hot.
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NY Subways are the Filthiest in the World

Sunday August 2, 2009 @ 08:43 PM
I think that homeless guy in the corner of the train car is dead. Friends, first of all I don't want to act like I'm an experienced world traveller. But I have seen the subway systems in Chicago and Washington DC and think that's enough support for the following statement...NY has the world's filthiest subway system.

Think about the last time you took a ride in the filthy express underground in NY. Chances are everyone in the car with you was clutching their purses/wallets as if they know the money-carrying items will soon be disappearing. As you looked around the car, you see a variety of people who look like they just lost everything at a poker table. In the corner is homeless Larry who just peed on himself post-mortem. Don't worry, that piss stream will be coming your way on the next turn.

But oh wait...here come the singing Jesus quartet from the local church (at least that's what they say). Oh, and what's this...they're asking for money in an old McDonald's bag. Half the car gives them money so they go away. Half of the car pretends they don't exist.

Oops, there's an armpit in my face from Smelly McBig Smell. And oops my hand accidentally slapped Mr. Important Blackberry who is asking his all-powerful phone if it's ok to see his family again.

Finally, here's my stop. I get out to the wonderful smell of more piss. Fresher piss. There goes a rat scurrying by, they sure are cute. Some young men are banging on pots and want me to make a donation so they can continue making more noise everytime I stop by in the future. As I make my way to the light of outside, another Mr. Important Blackberry runs into me...his phone told him to do it because he has to make this next train to satisfy his boss and the Microsoft Outlook calendar schedule gods. Finally I make it to the outside.

Now I realize that other subway systems are not perfect. But let's face facts, the NY subway system is the equivalent of rolling around in a septic tank.
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The Future

Thursday June 11, 2009 @ 08:30 PM
Hold on, I've heard this one alreadyToday, a fellow employee came over to my desk and started to talk about several topics. Now, I know what you're thinking.

"I don't care"

But before you click away, please understand that I think I have a gift. But I think it's a gift we all have. It's deja vu. I'm convinced this happens in my sleep. I have a weird dream about something, and then like a few days and a few drinks later, it happens. I can't predict when it happens, but it does. Is it weird...yes. Is it hard to believe...yes. Has it happened to you...I don't know. Am I slightly drunk...well, yes. Let's face facts, I can see the future...you're pissed that you actually read this whole post.
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Can we face some facts about Twitter?

Tuesday April 21, 2009 @ 08:55 PM
Mr. Important is currently wasting his time typing a 2 sentence update...tweet Since my last post, the Twitter phenomenon has really picked up steam. And why shouldn't it have. People love themselves. They love telling others about their lives. Facebook and MySpace were starts, but just didn't have that immediacy that Twitter has. I mean right now I'm having a conflict whether to continue this crappy post, or tweet a crappy sentence. I need followers, I need people to want me.

And boy do I love those witty tweets. Oh boy, some people are clever. People spend a whole 10 minutes thinking of that "funny" tweet. It's kind of like Eminem in 8 mile. You got one shot, you have to be funny. Cause if you screw up you can't post another pointless comment for at least 3 seconds.

PS. Barack Obama isn't really tweeting to you. Let's face facts, if you love yourself you best start tweetin.
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I apologize

Wednesday January 28, 2009 @ 07:51 PM
I apologize for not updating this thing in a while. I'm busy learning other things. Let's face facts, I like learning.
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